Thoughts from a 20-something stumbling through adulthood

Whole30, Day 10: The hardest thing I have ever done

In the Whole30 official rules, there’s this paragraph that’s become kind of infamous.

This is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Birthing a baby is hard. Losing a parent is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. You’ve done harder things than this, and you have no excuse not to complete the program as written.

Here’s the thing, though: I haven’t done harder things than this. Yes, I’ve done difficult things like graduate from college and land a job and pay my bills and deal with a breakup, but you know what? I’m naturally pretty good at those things. You know what I’m not good at? Walking past a bowl of chips without eating some.

If I’m being honest with myself (and I think I am), this may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Especially for 30 days. And that became exceedingly obvious when I arrived at the lake this weekend and discovered this:

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This is a photo I found on the Internet, but you get the idea. I was in no place to be snapping photos of the pizza. And honestly, just looking for those photos was kind of touch-and-go.

Remember at the beginning of this process, when I said I wanted to be stronger than a McDonald’s cheeseburger? Apparently, I am not yet. Not even close.

I have never felt an urge like I felt on Friday night, when I walked into the house and saw four pizza boxes stacked on top of each other. Instantly, I forgot why I was doing Whole30. And would it really matter if I had just ONE piece? Dallas and Melissa Hartwig don’t have the final say on nutrition, after all. And aren’t I supposed to ENJOY my LIFE while I CAN??

I am not kidding you guys, when my dad sat down next to me eating a piece, I was relatively close to snatching it from him and eating the whole thing in one bite. At one point, I was plotting how I could sneak a piece without anyone noticing.

Honestly, if I wasn’t afraid of being judged by everyone there, I would have eaten it IMMEDIATELY. Forget the 10 days I’ve spent trying to eat whole foods, curb my bad habits and develop a new sense of control. I needed that pizza, and I needed it NOW.

Which is, when you think about it, pretty concerning.

Morgan will tell you I spent Friday evening “angry-eating plantain chips.” I will tell you… that is exactly right. It was not a positive experience.

I won’t lie to you. As I’m writing this, I’m still wishing I had some pizza. And I can say for sure that the weekend at the lake was less fun because I wasn’t eating or drinking the foods I really wanted to be.

But everyone says this will be worth it. And so here I am, drinking a La Croix and eating almonds, praying that will be true. I also have a mad amount of respect for my therapist, who is on DAY 60 of Whole30. She’s had a couple glasses of wine and some cheese, but otherwise, is sticking with the program.

I, meanwhile, am pretty sure I’m going to be one of those people who eats an entire cookie cake on Day 31. But one day at a time right?

Pray for me. (I’m only half kidding.)